Recovery.... Emotionally....

This picture was taken while I still had my PICC Line but I love it! I'm still smiling and happy even though at this point the pain was terrible. I remember spending that summer on bed rest.... I look at these pictures and remember the physical pain. Now when I am dealing with the emotional pain it's something that nobody can see. My wounds have healed but my heart is still healing. I spend every day going through menopause which is much easier than I thought it would be. Before my surgery I was terrified that I would wake up a totally different person. I was so nervous about how my personality would change while going through menopause. I didn't want to become a totally different person. Thoughts like those raced through my mind. Then when I woke up to this amazing calm feeling I breathed a sigh of relief. The hot flashes at times have really been overwhelming. The mood swings sometimes can be hard to deal with but, I can pinpoint the days they are really going to happen. Those don't seem to come from the menopause those are from my heart healing. I hate the days when my heart is in a million pieces. They are truly the worst. On those days I wish I could go back in time and skip my surgery. I play the "what if" game! Boy do I hate that game!!! It's the one where you think about how things would be like if you had never gotten sick. In a world where you could have carried a baby to term. Sometimes my what ifs are will my husband ever get tired of being with a woman who can't give him biological kids. I know it's a crazy thing to think of but I do. There are times where I hate him because his body hasn't failed him. In a different universe if we were to ever divorce he could still have kids of his own. I never will be able to do that. So yes, I think of how unfair that is.

When I was in the hospital for my hysterectomy one of my favorite nurses was 6 months pregnant. There were times where it would cut deeper than any knife ever could. It was like look at what you will never be able to do. I knew that I would eventually have to deal with it but wished more than anything it could have at least waited until I got out of the hospital. At the time I was able to deal with it easier than I can now. Everything hadn't fully sunk in at that point. I was so focused on physically healing that I didn't even have time to deal with the emotional part. I think the slap in the face came as I was wheeled onto the elevator by my nurse to leave the hospital. I was pointed right at a very pregnant nurse. She looked at me and asked if I was excited to be going home. I was like yes very much so. At that point I was fighting back the tears. For the first time I completely felt my heart break into a million pieces over something I would never be able to fix. All of the emotions I had before the surgery came flooding back! As I sat there I cursed my body for failing me. For putting me through all of this pain! I remember sitting there thinking really god... really... wow.. way to remind me of what I can never do..... I cried my eyes out the entire way home!!

It breaks my heart that I can never take pregnancy pictures. Or be able to tell everybody we are pregnant. Things that most take for granted I will never get to do. Yes I understand that I will be able to adopt and I am so thankful for that. It's just hard!

Well if you can't already tell today is not a good day emotionally. Most of them are but out of the blue feelings just come flooding back. I feel incomplete, not good enough! Thank goodness the continuance of the human race does not rely on me!! lol :) Even when I'm feeling down I try my hardest to cheer myself up.

If you are going through it these are the days when you will feel the most alone. They are the times when you feel other people just won't understand. You may be extra grumpy to your husband, family or friends. During these days take time for yourself. Write out your feelings... Scream at the top of your lungs if that makes you feel better. The most important thing you can do is feel everything. Don't for one moment feel ashamed for your heart breaking or being mad at the world. These are all natural feelings. It's going to be okay! The world will not stop if you fall apart for a day or even an hour. As women we feel that we have to be stronger than everyone! That is not the case here! Let people help you! Find a group of people who understand what you are going through. We are not alone! There are so many young women who are quietly dealing with all of this pain. They are pushing it aside as they go through their day. Inside their heart is breaking but they are hiding the pain. Don't hide your pain! Show it with pride! It takes so much to show a side of yourself that most people never see. Let others know who are hurting that eventually there will come a time where it won't hurt as much. There will be a day where you don't think about it, even a week or two!! Slowly your heart will heal but, if it takes a lifetime that's okay too!

Nobody is ready to have to deal with something like this at a young age. It takes time to find your way through it! The strength within will help get you through. During my rough days I remember the song "Lean on Me and I'll be your friend. Lean on me I'll help you carry on!" Remember that this is your time to grab ahold of somebody to "Lean on" 

Back tracking a little.... PICC Line!

Flushing the line.

Wow... hard to believe that was almost 3 years ago. In this first picture I am flushing the line before my first "Chemo" drug. Who would have thought you could fight very severe Endometriosis with "Chemo"! I spent about 6 hours every day getting treatment and praying this would help! I called my chemo meds my little Super Hero's!! :) Even though I felt worse from them it was making me stronger so I could keep fighting! Little did I know about 4 weeks later I would have to be rushed to the ER for a blood clot in my arm from the PICC line. 

Smiling through the pain.

My husband was the king of making me laugh through my treatments. He keep my spirits high on days when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sleep forever. He was being so silly behind the camera to bring out a smile! Which was really easy to do because I love how funny he is! He always used to say before you start your first chemo medication I'm going to get you laughing. It never failed him or my puppy Charlie would be able to keep my spirits up!! They helped make this entire thing bearable! That's one of the reasons why I love them so much!! 

First chemo dose of the day!

In between pictures David would help me with my PIC Line. He did such an amazing job! On the days when I didn't feel well enough he did everything for me! These pictures were all taken on a good day! I wanted to take them to be able to look back and remember how far I had come. I didn't want to block out or forget everything I went through that made me stronger. These were also taken to help remind me that things could always be worse. 

Guess the look on my face says it all!! It was already starting to make me feel bad which was okay. I kept reminding myself that no matter how bad this made me feel I was still here. I was still fighting. No matter what that is amazing. I felt blessed just to have options. Loved ones of mine didn't even have that. So for me I would push through everything to get better. Did I like having to do this no way! Did I understand why my body wasn't responding to other treatment not really.  I couldn't fully wrap my head around it. Then I remembered my husband, family, friends everybody I cared about. I realized that I didn't have to be able to understand the reason behind why this was happening I just had to tackle it head on and fight hard!!! 

Recovery

Recovering from surgery. First day home from the hospital.

Recovery.....

The picture shown above was taken after my first major surgery the day I got home from the hospital. Little did I know the long road I would still have ahead of me. I remember my husband taking this picture and us talking about how everything was going to be better now. We dreamed about the future again and where life would take us now. At the time I still had the dream of being able to carry a baby. I was still hopeful that everything would be okay. I remember thinking that I was well on my way to overcoming the worst part. I was so excited about soon being out of pain. In the very back of my mind I always wondered what if this doesn't work. I also thought about what happened if the pain came back. I quickly tried to put those thoughts out of my mind. I was determined to only think positive. I remember asking my husband all of those questions and he quietly said we will cross that bridge if we come to it. For now lets focus on getting you better. That phrase was something I had heard from him more times then I liked to recall. I felt so bad because it seemed like our lives were always focused on getting me better. We rarely had time to actually enjoy them. I was determined to get my life back. To keep fighting and praying that this surgery would do the trick.

Little by little, day by day I slowly improved. I had a minor set back within the first week. My wound site(which was over 6 inches wide) got infected. Still I kept positive. I remember trying to smile and gently laugh more. For me laughter is one of the best medicines. By Thanksgiving I was really starting to feel better. I was still very sore because it had been less than a month since my surgery but I was determined to not let my illness hold me back any longer. I took my first big healing step that Friday! I went out on my yearly Black Friday shopping. I wasn't cleared to drive yet so my husband came with me. We got up in the middle of the night ready to take on the stores. I felt more alive then I had in years. I was so excited to do something that took my mind off of being sick. For those few hours I was just like everybody else. Yes, I walked slower. Had to take more breaks, but I was doing it. It had been a goal of mine from before my surgery to make it out on Black Friday. I felt the relationship between my husband and I grow. We were finally doing something fun. I was no longer surrounded by IV pumps and drainage tubes. I no longer was stuck on bed rest. I felt renewed. To others it may not have seemed like much. To me it was everything. In those moments I was free. I finally felt like I was starting to take my life back.

I was and still am thankful to be surrounded by such amazing people. When I was recovering in the hospital they took such wonderful care of me. Friends and family routinely stopped by to check on me and help remind themselves that yes I was going to be okay! I got lots of cards, flowers, and balloons. I can't even begin to explain how much they helped me. When the pain got to be to much or I was feeling down I simply looked over and saw that so many people loved me. I took all of that love and put it into fighting my ass off to get better.  I did a few little things to make the process easier for the ones I loved more than anything. I made a huge goodie bag for my mom. I knew she would be nervous so I went to the store a few days before my surgery and got all of her favorite things. I picked up some candy and little snacks. Things that she could munch on while she waited. Some magazines and a new book. I also threw in a few bottles of water and a couple other little surprises. I tried to think of everything she would need to make this easier on her. I knew she would be scared so I wanted her to look at that bag for added comfort. I had my husband wait to give it to her until I was already back for surgery. I knew that's when she would need it the most. Of course since this was taking place the day before Halloween I had to make goodie bags for the nurses and all my family/friends who may stop by on Halloween. Let's just say they were a big hit!!! My mom got me a huge Halloween bowl to put them in. I was so excited when all the nurses stopped by my room to Trick or Treat!!! It made things bearable! For those brief moments I was truly happy. The pain subsided and I could enjoy making someones day brighter. Their happiness helped me more than I can ever fully explain.

If you are currently fighting this battle I want you to know that things do get better. Life can go back to normal. You can feel better than ever. Even if it only lasts a little while....... Those few precious pain-free moments are what made me keep fighting. They reminded me of what my life could be like. Should be like! You may feel like you're being beat up from the inside out. Trust me I fully understand that feeling but, it does get better! Hang in there! Fight your heart out!! Don't give up on the life that you want! Go for it all!! You can live a much better life. The one that you can barely remember now because it seems like so long ago. It's still there! You're still in there I promise!! Take the first step and promise yourself that no matter what you will never give up! You may have bad days where you feel like giving in but you will keep fighting. You will face your hysterectomy head on and say bring it on! You are so much stronger than you even realize! It's gonna hurt like hell but it will be so very worth it!!! If this blog can help just one woman I will feel so blessed. If you or somebody you love is facing a hysterectomy just know that you're not alone. There is help out there. People that you can lean on for support! Lean on them!! Get back all of the support you have given out over the years!!! It's time to collect on all the love you gave! Now it's time to let others take care of you for a change. I know how hard that is! I never said it would be easy! What I will say is that it's WORTH IT!!!! <3

Introduction....

Welcome,

I wanted to start off by introducing myself. Give you a little insight into what I've been dealing with for the past few years. I started this blog to help others who are going through a total hysterectomy at a young age. I am 30 years old now and started this journey when I was only 26. Back around 2007 I started getting really sick. I was in extreme abdominal pain constantly. I went to the doctors and was told that I had large fibroids and multiple cysts on my ovaries. We decided to play the watch and wait game. Let's just say that looking back on this I wish that I had done more sooner. Maybe things wouldn't have gotten so bad. My condition was not improving so I went to see my Primary Care doctor again. This time I saw his Nurse Practitioner who took a special interest in my case. She ran a lot of blood work on me and determined that I needed a blood transfusion right away due to very heavy periods. Let's just say that I was very nervous. This was not what I was expecting to have happen when I went in for a visit. I was hospitalized that day overnight with a OBGYN consult. I had my first of many blood transfusions that very evening. I was visiting my mom so my husband was not there to help me through this scary time. After speaking with my obgyn they decided to do an ultrasound to get a better feel for what was going on. After the ultrasound they felt that it would be best to do a D&C procedure. So within a week I went in for my first of 5 surgeries.

Let's fast forward a little. I tried multiple doctors, surgeries, hospital stays for antibiotics, PICC Line for more antibiotics. You name it we tried it. All to keep from having to do a total hysterectomy. It was always in the back of my mind as a last resort because I had discussed the possibility of needing one with my doctors. I was eventually diagnosed with Severe Endometriosis, Fibroids, Adnomyomas, PID(Due to constant infection from the Endometriosis), and PCOD(Poly Cystic Ovarian Disease). After over two years of fighting what felt like a never ending battle my doctor and I decided that a partial hysterectomy needed to be done. He thought that my tubes were causing the complications I was experiencing. So on the day before Halloween of 2009 I went in for my first major surgery. The doctor removed my tubes, cysts from my ovaries and tried to remove as many adhesion's as possible. I had a full abdominal incision and was hospitalized for 4 days. Once I completely healed I noticed a big difference in my pain level. I felt like things were finally going to be okay. Within months everything changed. The pain came roaring back. It was worse than ever. My bleeding would go on for weeks at a time. It truly was taking full control over my life. During one of my appointments with my GYN Oncologists we discussed our fertility options. Since I was only 28 years old at the time we wanted to try to have a baby before we took any drastic measures to fight this horrible disease. After speaking with an infertility specialist where we were told it would not be possible for me to ever carry a child then deep down I knew what I needed to do. On my next check up with my oncologists I went by myself. During that appointment we both realized exactly how serious and life threatening my condition was again. It was decided at that appointment that I needed to have a Total Radical Abdominal Hysterectomy. That is where they completely remove everything. I was so nervous and heartbroken. I remember walking into the other room with my hands trembling trying to tell the nurse I needed to set up an appointment for my surgery. Just having to say the word hysterectomy cut deep into my soul. I had always wanted to experience child birth and the joy of carrying a baby to term. I knew at that very moment any dreams I still had of ever being able to do that were over. The surgery was scheduled for about two weeks later.

On June 4, 2010 I had a total hysterectomy at 28 years old. I remember my pre-op appointment that my mom took me too. I was so nervous. It was so heartbreaking to listen to the nurse describe everything that was going to take place before, during and after my surgery. I kept wishing there was another way but I knew there wasn't. I remember asking with tears in my eyes and my voice trembling was I the youngest person to ever have this done at their hospital. The nurse looked at me with tears in her eyes and said yes! At that moment I realized she could feel my pain. She understood how scared, angry, and heartbroken I was all at the same time. The fact that I'm a nurse didn't seem to make this any easier. In a way it made it harder. I hated the fact that I could help heal other people but not myself. I felt betrayed by my own body. I kept repeating to myself how could this be.... how could I not have any control over my body? I kept wondering what was the reason behind this. Everybody would say god doesn't give you more than you can handle.... well to me that wasn't true. This ordeal was so much more than I could handle. My heart was breaking and nobody around me knew exactly what to say. At 28 years old I was having to give up on a dream that I had all my life. I understood why it needed to be done but I hated it.

By writing this blog I hope to continue on the emotional healing process. I also want to talk about a subject that so many women have to go through. Especially young women! I want this to be a place where you can get answers to your questions. Where by reading this blog you have a better idea of what life is like after a hysterectomy. For the ones who are going through the same pain that I am, just know that you are not alone! Together we can get through this!! Thank you for taking the time to read my blog! I hope that my story can help bring you comfort. Until next time.... Have an amazing day! *hugs*