Recovery.... Emotionally....

This picture was taken while I still had my PICC Line but I love it! I'm still smiling and happy even though at this point the pain was terrible. I remember spending that summer on bed rest.... I look at these pictures and remember the physical pain. Now when I am dealing with the emotional pain it's something that nobody can see. My wounds have healed but my heart is still healing. I spend every day going through menopause which is much easier than I thought it would be. Before my surgery I was terrified that I would wake up a totally different person. I was so nervous about how my personality would change while going through menopause. I didn't want to become a totally different person. Thoughts like those raced through my mind. Then when I woke up to this amazing calm feeling I breathed a sigh of relief. The hot flashes at times have really been overwhelming. The mood swings sometimes can be hard to deal with but, I can pinpoint the days they are really going to happen. Those don't seem to come from the menopause those are from my heart healing. I hate the days when my heart is in a million pieces. They are truly the worst. On those days I wish I could go back in time and skip my surgery. I play the "what if" game! Boy do I hate that game!!! It's the one where you think about how things would be like if you had never gotten sick. In a world where you could have carried a baby to term. Sometimes my what ifs are will my husband ever get tired of being with a woman who can't give him biological kids. I know it's a crazy thing to think of but I do. There are times where I hate him because his body hasn't failed him. In a different universe if we were to ever divorce he could still have kids of his own. I never will be able to do that. So yes, I think of how unfair that is.

When I was in the hospital for my hysterectomy one of my favorite nurses was 6 months pregnant. There were times where it would cut deeper than any knife ever could. It was like look at what you will never be able to do. I knew that I would eventually have to deal with it but wished more than anything it could have at least waited until I got out of the hospital. At the time I was able to deal with it easier than I can now. Everything hadn't fully sunk in at that point. I was so focused on physically healing that I didn't even have time to deal with the emotional part. I think the slap in the face came as I was wheeled onto the elevator by my nurse to leave the hospital. I was pointed right at a very pregnant nurse. She looked at me and asked if I was excited to be going home. I was like yes very much so. At that point I was fighting back the tears. For the first time I completely felt my heart break into a million pieces over something I would never be able to fix. All of the emotions I had before the surgery came flooding back! As I sat there I cursed my body for failing me. For putting me through all of this pain! I remember sitting there thinking really god... really... wow.. way to remind me of what I can never do..... I cried my eyes out the entire way home!!

It breaks my heart that I can never take pregnancy pictures. Or be able to tell everybody we are pregnant. Things that most take for granted I will never get to do. Yes I understand that I will be able to adopt and I am so thankful for that. It's just hard!

Well if you can't already tell today is not a good day emotionally. Most of them are but out of the blue feelings just come flooding back. I feel incomplete, not good enough! Thank goodness the continuance of the human race does not rely on me!! lol :) Even when I'm feeling down I try my hardest to cheer myself up.

If you are going through it these are the days when you will feel the most alone. They are the times when you feel other people just won't understand. You may be extra grumpy to your husband, family or friends. During these days take time for yourself. Write out your feelings... Scream at the top of your lungs if that makes you feel better. The most important thing you can do is feel everything. Don't for one moment feel ashamed for your heart breaking or being mad at the world. These are all natural feelings. It's going to be okay! The world will not stop if you fall apart for a day or even an hour. As women we feel that we have to be stronger than everyone! That is not the case here! Let people help you! Find a group of people who understand what you are going through. We are not alone! There are so many young women who are quietly dealing with all of this pain. They are pushing it aside as they go through their day. Inside their heart is breaking but they are hiding the pain. Don't hide your pain! Show it with pride! It takes so much to show a side of yourself that most people never see. Let others know who are hurting that eventually there will come a time where it won't hurt as much. There will be a day where you don't think about it, even a week or two!! Slowly your heart will heal but, if it takes a lifetime that's okay too!

Nobody is ready to have to deal with something like this at a young age. It takes time to find your way through it! The strength within will help get you through. During my rough days I remember the song "Lean on Me and I'll be your friend. Lean on me I'll help you carry on!" Remember that this is your time to grab ahold of somebody to "Lean on"